We all have been there at least once!

Lost. Amidst of chaos, I find myself lost, delusional and free. Trying to work on the things that are little far fetch and seems unreasonable, perhaps impossible, but that urge to make it happen and that unbearable thirst, yes, that kind of desire that doesn’t make sense but won’t let me live in peace. ‘What you want’, ‘How are you doing?’ and most inevitable question ‘where are you now?’ Are the question subsequently asked by long-lost friends and relatives, that are only saved contacts which we never bother to call or a message, well I'll let you know as soon as I’d discover. But right now I’m somewhere… nowhere, dreaming…lost.

Lately, I have become a person of limits. Now I have limited my concerns to things that don’t affect me explicitly like, What would you call a person who doesn’t care about trump victory or banning 500 notes, or pallets attack in Kashmir making hundreds of kids lost their eyesight- ignorant? No, because none of those happenings are under my control, no matter how much we can share or likes or show our so-called concerns on social media by posting an aggressive post, nothing is going change not unless I’m in power, yes I would like to back up Modi ji sometime. This is my country and I’ve witnessed its growth, roads have gotten widen with much less potholes, and then there are metros metros, for which neither did I contribute nor I’m taking credit. But why I’m talking about my country, it is just doing fine. I’m not.

Being neutral and giving zero shit to the things that aren’t my concern, is what I do now. No, I’m not insensitive, or that I devoid of human affections, no nothing of that sort, I’m only little lost, little numb and the fact a little indecisive, but I do care, maybe not the way I used to but I still do. Only I don’t think everything needs to have my opinion. Yes, sometimes (all the time) want to just escape from the reality, people, sometimes being me; being at some place is just too much to ask. I don’t know if it is the time that has changed me or the people I met, or it’s all part of being “adult” that make me feel so dejected from everything I do. But I’m sure I’m somewhere between pessimist and optimist or sometimes doing cha-cha going back and forth whatever my mood is. Having a thought of nothing fall in its place, nothings goes as planned, or posting a selfie with impression of sadness and captioning it “mah lifzz $ucks” ain’t my cup of tea anymore and I personally abhors those stereotyping girls who despite of the fact that how much their parents have struggled to provide bourn vita and chamanprash to make them strong and confident, would still screams at the sight of a cockroach or lizards like those living poor creatures are pointing a gun at her,uhh.. something that really bothers me to the core, ( and I have no idea why I'm talking about this)see there is a constant contradiction of my thoughts, and I am aware of it, being a critic of myself is what land me to the place where I stop planning, stop being teddy with rainbows, pink/blue aren’t my color(not the actual color) anymore, such subtleness, being precise, most importantly accepting myself the way I’m, and that freaking urge of pleasing people, being charming and impressive all the time is all dead but I guess it was never there at first place, with that somewhere in the process of “growing up”, I lost my innocence. This process of losing and finding ‘me’ at the same time is nothing less of rocket science, I know this now. the only high priest or a saint could attain such height of being patience and could un-resolve the mystery of ‘to be or not to be’, and sure as hell I’m neither of them. But I will find my way back to being sane again, I always have. However long it may take, but I’ll back that is for sure and this time little less ambiguous and more expectant.